HAVE written and performed several sketches for BBC Radio 1. Other sketches have appeared in Mustard and been performed in sketch group Dead Leg.

 

For BBC1's Milk Run:*=adapted from a Mustard article

SPIES  [PDF]

INTERVIEWER: Well let’s see what you have to say about these. I have here several exercise books full of Latin vocab and advanced trigonometry.
SPY: Well, you’ve certainly done your homework.

BALLOON ADVENTURERES  [PDF]

No Harris, I think our luck may have finally run out this time. Still, I always knew we’d go out like this. Not with a whimper, but with ... kind of a ‘splat’.

ARCTIC ADVENTURERS  [PDF]

We both understood the risks when we got into this thing. No old man’s death in a nursing home for us, we were destined to go out in a blaze of stupidity.

MEDIA EXPECTATIONS * [PDF]

I guess I do feel a lot of pressure to live down to the media ideal of men as amiable, overweight dullards.

OCCULT HELPLINE * [PDF]

At first I thought it might be some infernal manifestation of Lord Lucifer in human form, but after a short conversation I had to concede that it’s just some chap called Geoff.

CLAY PIGEON * [PDF]

I’ve got an entire flock of clay homing pigeons - I’m going to try cross-breeding them with boomerangs to enhance their natural homing instinct.

RELIGIOUS BREAKFAST CEREALS  [PDF]

Coco-Popes: so holy they even turn the milk into wine!

ETIQUETTE  [PDF]

In this situation, I’m kind of like the host at a party. I’ve got to carefully judge how much time to spend with one person before I move on to the other.

MIDDLE MAN  [PDF]

Help! Won't somebody help me! My car is balanced precariously on this cliff, partially due to my own error I must admit.

ELEPHANT MAN  [PDF]

By day mild mannered John Merrick cunningly disguises himself via a small pair of spectacles perched atop his hideously mutated face.

SWAT TEAM  [PDF]

You've brought tear gas, how thoughtful! Geoffrey, put this with the others.

A QUIET WORD  [PDF]

I'm glad we've got this time together because, well, I wanted to have a quiet word with you.

Milk Run sketches written with Andrew O'Neill:

TIME TRAVELLER  [PDF]

By my reckoning, I have traveled some three or four seconds into the past! Give or take three or four seconds.

DON'T CALL ME AT WORK  [PDF]

We’ve had nothing but trouble since we moved into that remote mansion built on an ancient Indian burial ground in the dark and mysterious woods last Friday the 13th.

Derring Dos & Don'ts, aka 'The Colonel Monologues' are a series of sketches written with Ralph Aspinall, adapted from the character we write for Mustard magazine:

DERRING DOS & DON'TS  [PDF]

#1:	Animals "Sharks are attracted to urine, so as the boat goes down empty your bladder over fellow passengers."
#2:	Courtship "Attaching small weights to ones moustache can help lengthen it, whilst a sprinkling of plant fertilizer will serve to amplify its bushiness"
#3:	Reputation "Poor old Scotts-Porridge came down with a terrible case of Achilles Heel."
#4:	Intercourse "The contraption requires half a dozen servants operating a system of ropes and pulleys to move my buttocks up and down at the requested speed."
#5:	Contraception "Gentlemen favor a special sheath made of pigs gut which, when worn over the head, would prevent the lady in question from recognising you."
#6:	The Poor "But what to do with these 'Poor'? I'm all for 'care in the community' and suggest the community take care of them with regular public stonings."
#7:	The Rich "I particularly recommend pyramid selling (the occupants are long dead) and slave time-shares (I get the waking hours)."
#8:	Great British Diseases "When our armed forces were prone to rickets and scurvy we had a sound advantage as our bow-legged chaps presented a far smaller target."
#9:	Plagues "Death rates were over 100% as the plague killed whoever was compiling the statistics."
#10:	Foxes "I got quite a bit of blood on myself before being dragged away from him by the master of the hunt and two large accomplices."
#11:	Currency "The 'Colonel' is worth 6 Pounds Sterling, 5 British Guineas or an arbitrary bucket-full of any foreign cash."

Performed in Dead Leg or printed in Mustard:

AUTOMATON  [PDF]

You must have had your suspicions. My clunky, jolting movements. The whirring sound, and of course, the big key in my back.

BELL  [PDF]

Good evening gentlemen. My name is Alexander Graham Bell, purported inventor of a revolutional new device that will change the world.

THE ANT WHISPERER  [PDF]

The trick is to hold her firmly but gently with the tweezers, as so. Let her know who’s in charge, but that you mean no harm.

HEAT MAGAZINE  [PDF]

Find out who's in! Who's out! What's hot! What's not!

BOAT  [PDF]

Hey, don't knock it mate! See this boat I'm in here? More trouble than they're worth, I tell you. To be honest it's doing my head in.

ATLAS AUDIT  [PDF]

Mr Atlas, you're working without a yellow safety helmet and you're posture is all quite wrong: lift with your knees, sir, your knees!

NOTHING TO WATCH  [PDF]

A fly-on-the wall documentary about the making of a reality TV show.

A SEVERE CASE OF BUREAUCRACY  [PDF]

"He's speaking in tongues!"
"I'm afraid it's a little more serious than that - he's speaking in jargon."

1948 RADIO SHOW  [PDF]

The invention is called ‘Electronic Mail’; robotic carrier pigeons will be able to cut message times by eliminating the need for feed or toilet breaks.

LORD OF THE THINGS  [PDF]

In the land of Morden, in the back of Bed-Room, the Dork Lord forged in secret a Master Thing to control all others.

WAITING LIST  [PDF]

The delay will complicate matters somewhat, with the foetus having reached... (glances at clipboard) 192 months.

RESERVOIR NUNS SISTER WHITE: Whaddaya mean, you don't bless? I just said grace here and you won't say one lousy blessing?

WHINING AND DINING  [PDF]

What we have here, legs spread like a cheap whore awaiting her humiliation, is another example of the misogynist claptrap which dominates modernity.

THE BIZARRE MURDERS  [PDF] Young men savagely attacked by burning lampposts – Holmes, this fits in with the pattern of unusual deaths plaguing London.

FAT CLUB  [PDF]

Second rule of Fat Club: you do not talk about Fat Club with your mouth full.

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